


Feeling happy again - Alec Hardy x Ellie Miller

by Anninym



Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Alec Hardy Needs A Hug, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22461619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anninym/pseuds/Anninym
Summary: Alec is drowning in self-loathing and having more than just suicidal thoughts.Ellie finds him and gives him all the love he deserves!
Relationships: Alec Hardy & Ellie Miller, Alec Hardy/Ellie Miller
Comments: 5
Kudos: 76





	1. The attempt

**Author's Note:**

> This was written while I was sitting in the train to the way back home.  
> Don’t know why but somehow I just did something I really like, and I wanted to share it with you!  
> So here you go.  
> Oh and I think I’ll write more chapters. I have the feeling this could be the start of something more bigger. What do you think? You want me to make a bigger fanfic out of this?

He felt the cold wind against his skin and shivered. The sound of waves crashing against the cliffs in front of him echoed inside his head. Apart from that it was deadly silent around him.

No wonder, it was 2 am and he was standing outside on the cliffs.  
He thought this silence would help him think. Help him to put himself together again. To stop himself from feeling like drowning. But now standing there, alone, he realised that this was the baddest idea he had in a long time.

It was just too much silence. It didn’t help him at all. It just make things worse. And the place he choose wasn’t good either. He was standing pretty close to the edge of the cliffs. And when he realised the opportunity that was given to him, to finally end his suffer, to end his pain, he even took a step further to the edge. So close, that he could look down easily.

He felt how his heart hammered painfully against his chest. Not because of an attack like usually, it was because of the thoughts he was having.  
Because of those really bad thoughts. Those thoughts which he could normally swallow down. But not now. He wasn’t able to. He already felt shit when he came here. And now he just felt like drowning completely. 

He didn’t cry. He just stared down on the deep dark ground under him. He imagines himself laying there. Blood around his body. His head. Completely dead.  
What a lovely thing that would be.  
He was sure many people would love to see him dead. And right now he was absolutely willing to give them just that.  
He wanted to jump, never this much like now. And his thoughts screamed at him why he hasn’t already jumped at all. He didn’t know.

Maybe because one little voice inside him tried to search for reasons, why he shouldn’t jump. This voice tried to remind him of his daughter. She would loose her dad, like he lost his mother.  
And he just knew how bloody cruel and awful it is for a kid to loose their parents. But he couldn’t help it. She left him. Like all the others. She wanted to live with her mom. Not with him. And he didn’t know why. He actually didn’t wanted to know why. It didn’t matter. She left him alone. He could understand it.

If he would have had such a father like him he would leave too. He was just awful. He was awful, useless and a ‘shitface’, like his co-workers like to call him.  
They’re right. He is an awful person. He didn’t deserve anybody. He was born to just destroy everything. To mess everything up. No wonder nobody cared about him and everyone leaves him. He would too.

He suddenly felt tears rolling down his cheeks. He rolled his eyes and scoffed annoyed about himself.  
Of course he had to cry. He was such a baby. Such an bloody soft wanker. An asshole who deserves to be alone. Who didn’t even has the right to be happy. He was just a useless shit. Nobody needs him.

He looked into the sky and laughed bitterly. Why didn’t he just jump. It would be so easy.  
He sniffed.  
So easy. Just jump and everything would be over. Everyone would be happy again and he could finally forget about the pain. The loneliness.  
He clenched his fists tight together. Making himself ready to finally jump. To finally end his suffering.  
He took a last deep breath.

“Alec?!” He heard a voice suddenly behind him and stopped in his tracks. He heard how footsteps came closer and finally seeing in the corner of his eyes the well known orange jacket.  
Miller.

“Alec? What are you d-“ she started but then suddenly realised he was crying and standing really close to the edge of the cliffs. Her heart dropped when she realised what he wanted to do.  
“No-No no no no no. Alec get away from the edge. Please. Don’t do that.” She suddenly began with slight panic in her voice. 

Alec didn’t look at her. He felt how his chest tightened and just stared on the water in front of him. His vision still blurry from crying.  
“Go home Millah. Just let me alone.“ he said and she scoffed.  
„No. I’m not going to leave you.“ She answered and he could feel how her eyes were boring into the backside of his head. He sighed powerless.  
„Why shouldn’t I jump? Hm? Nobody would care. Nobody. They would all be glad to finally finding me dead.” He said laughing bitterly.  
She looked at him shocked. Not knowing what to do. She never saw him like that. With this much self hate, sadness and anger inside him.

She looked down on his clenched fists. She realised how tensed his whole body is. He is afraid. She sees that. But she also realised that is ready to jump. He had enough time to think about it. She didn’t know how long he already stood there, but she knew it was long enough to make such a choice. The choice to end his life. And he was absolutely ready for it. 

“Alec, no. There are people who care! Please, get away from that edge!” She tried again and taking a step closer to him. He was now near enough so she could reach him easily. She knew what she had to do. She had to get him away from that cliff and talk with him. Even if he doesn’t want to talk about it. He had to. After that he had to talk about it. Even if it just was her. They had to get rid of these thoughts.

“I don’t want to live anymore Ellie. I don’t want to. Please just go home and let me jump. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I can’t cope with it anymore. I- I just have to...” He whispered between silent sobs and Ellie felt how her heart broke into thousand pieces.  
Seeing him like this was the worst nightmare she could ever imagine. He was the only person in her life left who she liked- no, not only liked, who she loved to death. She couldn’t loose him. He was just to important to her. And she knows she has to tell him just that. Be there for him. But before that, she have to get him away from this stupid cliff.

She took a deep breath, put all her strength together to just grab him by his arms and waist and pull him away from this edge. Her force and sudden action was enough to get him a few meters away again and pull him to the ground with her on top, to make sure he wasn’t getting up again and jump.

She looked at him and felt how her adrenaline rushed through her body. She did it. She got him away from that edge. She lets out an loud shuddering breath she didn’t realised she had been holding.

“You’re not going to jump, you bloody stupid knob. I need you, you hear that?!  
I. NEED. YOU! I care about you! You are the most important person in my life and you’re not going to leave me, get that?!” She said a little angry but mostly scared.  
He looked at her shocked. Not able to make a move.  
Then he suddenly began to cry harder then ever before. She pulled him against her chest. Hugged him with all her strength. With all her love for him. Whispering little soft words into his ear between his sobs.  
And he clung to her. Like she was the only thing left who saves him from drowning again.

“I’m here for you, Alec. Always. I love you, okay? You are a beautiful person. Of course you aren’t perfect, but nobody is. And I love you just the way you are. You got that?” She says softly after he calmed himself a little. She broke the embrace to look into his sad face. He nodded. Not able to speak just now. She put her hand on his cheek and gave him a kiss on his forehead. Then she stood up slowly, taking him with her. Holding his hand tightly, still afraid of him running to this stupid edge again.  
But he didn’t mind. Her hand was warm and soft. Like her. 

She pulled him close next to her. Holding his upper arm with her other hand, to keep him close. Then they start to walk back home. Back to Ellie’s place where she got him into bed, to finally get some sleep. And when he asked her to stay by his side, to cuddle with him, she didn’t think twice about it. She got with him in her bed and they snuggled up together. 

Feeling her warm body against his and hearing her soft breath, calmed him down again. He felt save and utterly loved in her arms.  
And with that he cuddled up even closer to her. Inhaling her scent and so did she.


	2. The morning after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god. I actually did it. I made a second chapter.... I desperately hope you’ll like it like the first one.  
> If so let me know. I think I’ll make a whole story out of this. I like it since now pretty much tbh, and of course I hope you do too!
> 
> Anyways, have fun!  
> Oh and have a great day :3
> 
> (Ps: This one is more fluffy cuz I felt like it. There isn’t much depressing stuff in it for once. But the next chapters will definitely get more of it, cuz I’m a depressed little piece of shit :D)

He was awake since 2 hours now and just looked thoughtful at Ellie’s sleeping form in his arms. Her hair was tousled from sleep and he felt her warm skin against himself while her low breath tickled his arm. He suppressed a shudder when he realised how close they actually were. 

Of course he wasn’t awake all night. He slept pretty well and tight, like never before, until he awoke because of the sunlight shining at his face.  
And this was when he saw her. How she slept in his arms, looking so innocent and just... beautiful. He felt so helpless. Not knowing what to do or how to react. It was so long ago since he was in such a situation. He had the really bad urge to kiss her just right now, but decided against it. Instead of this he decided to just cuddle up closer to her. Trying to forget the world around them. Trying to forget his depressive thoughts just for one single moment. Just trying to enjoy this very moment. The silence which wasn’t bad at all now. Which was so peaceful, he was scared one single noise would destroy everything.

He inhaled her scent and became aware of how beautiful she smelled. He didn’t understand how he never recognised it before. She smelled of vanilla and orange and a little bit of mint somehow. And it just fitted so well, that he couldn’t stop his heart beating faster at the smell of her.

Suddenly he felt her moving in his arms. She turned around just to look at him sleepy. And when she saw that he was awake too, she began to look a little unsure about their current situation.  
“H-Hey...” Ellie said with a sleepy tone.  
“Hey.” Alec replied with a still groggy voice from sleep. He couldn’t help but smile at her uncertainess because of him laying this close to her.  
“You okay with this?” She asked also smiling but a little helpless.  
“Yes. Yes, I’m totally fine with it.” He assured her and now her unsure smile turned into a brighter one. She propped her head on the pillow next to his head again, to be on eye-lvl with him and looked into his dark brown eyes. She remembered yesterday and felt the urge to hug him again. But she decided against it. They had to talk about it. 

“How are you?” She then asked and looked expectantly at Alec.  
Alec swallowed and looked away while also remembering the last night.  
“I-I... I’m alright.” He Lied and faked a smile. He was such a failure. Why does he even lie. He knew she wouldn’t believe him after yesterday.  
She looked at him a little angry but also concerned.  
“Alec. Stop lying to me. I’m here to help you. Not to judge you or anything. Just talk to me, alright?” She now said with a little more power behind her voice and looked at Alec. She lifted his head for him to look into her eyes again. She saw the tears and slight panic in those eyes brimming. She gave him a motivative but also caring smile.  
He nodded.  
“‘M sorry...” he whispered and swallowed again. Feeling how his throat is going dry.

“If you don’t want to talk about it just now Alec, it’s alright. But I think, after yesterday, you should definitely talk to someone about it. And I’ll help you alright? We can manage that, together. But before that you should take a shower and in the meantime I’ll make us some breakfast. Tom and Fred will join us... um... at 3 pm and then I’ll have to do some mommy-things but we still got... 6 hours left. So get going! I’ll wait for you in the kitchen. And if you need something just ask!” She then began to brabble and started to got out of bed, when he urged forward to grasp her wrist. 

She stopped in her tracks and looked back down at him.  
“E-Ellie?” He asked after a long pause of just staring at each other.  
“Yea?”  
“Thank you...” he whispered and she just smiled at him. It was a warm and lovingly one that just put goosebumps all over Alec body. He smiled back. And with that she left the room to make her way downstairs into the kitchen. He also got himself up to take the shower Ellie had told him to, and trying just to get rid of his depressing thoughts just for once.

Maybe it wasn’t wrong to get help. Maybe everything can get better. Even if he was feeling like drowning so much all the time. But maybe, if he takes this help, this help she offered to him... Maybe it would get better. Maybe it would stop him from feeling like shit.  
And with that thought and this little hope inside the corner of his head he got under the shower.


	3. The lost of hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Here you go. It’s a little one tho. But I hope you’ll like it anyway.
> 
> I wanted to show a little bit more of how the depression is affecting Alec and how suddenly his emotions can swap over.
> 
> The next one will finally include the talking with Ellie, about his problems. But will he really get through all of this without breaking? Well... You’ll see! 
> 
> So anyways, have fun with this one and be prepared for the next one :3

He stepped out of the shower and took a towel to dry himself. After he put on his underwear and trousers, he got a sight of himself in the mirror and suddenly stopped in his tracks.   
He looked at himself. And there it was again. This little voice that got louder and louder the more he listened to it.   
The voice in the corner of his brain that was the main course of his mental fucked up self right now.

Yesterday it had took over him completely and now, when he looked at himself, in this stupid mirror, with the feeling of disgust about himself, the voice got louder again.  
He tried to push his thoughts back down. To stop listening to this voice which kept reminding him what of an failure he really was.

But he, again, wasn’t strong enough to fight this voice. And he couldn’t stop staring at himself in the mirror. The feeling of drowning hit him again like a slap in his face. Every little bit of hope he had gathered up the last hours where lost immediately and the thoughts washed over with negative emotions and memories in his head again, which caused a hurricane of negative energy inside him.  
His eyes got darker, without him even realising it. 

He was so kept in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice Ellie, who had been knocking a few times on the bathroom door, until she decided to finally get in, still slightly afraid about Alecs mental state.   
She was standing behind him looking at him through his reflection in the mirror. He still didn’t notice her.   
She saw how tears began to run down his cheeks and took a step further to softly touch his still bare shoulder.

He painfully flinched at her touch and got back to reality. He turned around to be greeted with Ellie’s concerned face. Just then he realised he was still crying. Why did have to cry?! Again?! He was such a baby. He turned back around, without saying anything and wiped his eyes, finally getting back to himself somehow. This was so embarrassing. Why couldn’t he keep himself together. Fuck this shit of depression. He was such a stupid useless piece of shit. He hated himself for being so emotionally fucked up. 

He put on the T-Shirt he had worn unter his coat last night. It still was wearable, since he didn’t jump last night. When he turned around Ellie was still standing there looking at him with a sad look written on her face.

“What? I’m fine. Just let’s get breakfast.” He finally said a little more annoyed then he wanted to sound.   
“Alec... can you please for once not pretend you’re alright? Cuz you’re definitely not. You know that. I know that. So please stop this shit. I thought we already got through that.” Ellie said, now with a slight gutted and angry undertone. He felt guilty for hurting her. He knew she was just trying to help him. But it was unbelievably difficult for him, to show his true emotions in front of another person.  
“Sorry. You’re right. I- I’m not okay. Of course I’m not okay.” He said silently while leaning against the Shower wall and looking down on the ground.

“Thanks. So now we agreed on that, I think we should get some breakfast. And then we’ll talk. And no, we’re not arguing about that. You’ll talk to me, got that? We will sit down and talk. You will tell me what’s on your mind and we’ll figure out something alright?” She then said and placed her right hand on his cheek to softly stroke it a little. 

He nodded agreeing and placed his hand over hers.  
“Thank you.” He whispered.  
“You’re welcome Alec. So now come with me? I don’t want you to get another of your depression attacks.” She said and took his hand in hers.  
He nodded and followed her.


	4. Talking about it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO! YES, IM FINALLY BACK!  
> *Throws new Chapter in*  
> HERE YOU GO, OKAY BYEEEEE!
> 
> (Btw thank you‘all so much for so many kudos :0 that means a lot to me! I hope you’ll like this chapter just as much <3)

After they finished eating they meet in Ellie’s Living room. He found her already sitting on the couch in the middle of the room. With both legs curled up on the couch she was looking at him and patted the spot in front of her. He sighed a little, not wanting to do this at all, but he knew he had to. So he sat down in front of her, mirroring her sitting position. 

“So. Where you want to start?” She asked him and he shrugged a little nervous about what he was going to do. He hated to talk about himself. And even more about his own feelings.  
“Where dk you want me to start?” He asked her in return and she smiled slightly noticing the absolute nervous state he was in now.  
“Where you want. Maybe you want to start with last night? What did you do and what happened exactly?” She asked him and he nodded.  
“Alright... Erm... Well I- I... I just... my daughter... she... she- I mean I- and... I- just...” he begun to stutter and felt how his voice began to shake and how his eyes filled up with tears while thinking about his daughter. He was interrupted by Ellie who grabbed his Hand and stroke the back of it. He looked up at her eyes and smiled a little frustrated. She sadly smiled back at him.  
“Damn that’s difficult.” He sweared and let out a frustrated and nervous laugh.  
“Just breath Alec. You don’t have to force yourself. If you’re not feeling able to tell me about it just now it’s fine. I just want to understand and help.” She said encouraging and smiled at him.   
He just shook his head.   
“No you’re right. I have to talk to someone about it.” He agreed and took a deep breath while trying to control his emotions.  
Then he started again.

“So, I’m dealing with depression since the... well, the thing with my ex-wife. I moved to Broadchurch cuz I thought it would help. Building a new life and stuff, you know. Actually, it wasn’t my idea. It was the idea of my psychologist. Yes, I had one back then because of my mental health. My Boss forced me to do it, or I would have lost my job. Anyways, he said it maybe would help. And when I had the chance to take a case here and get away from my past I took this chance. But it didn’t last long. With this case, my past started to caught up with me again. Everything got back and with it, my depression. But this time much stronger. It got worse and worse with everyday. Some days I just refused to take my medicine, for my heart, to finally end my suffering. But then, when I had an attack I was to panicked and afraid, that I took them anyways. I’m such a failure. I can’t even do this.” He said ending his sentence with a bitter laugh. Ellie couldn’t stop herself from looking shocked. She never new he felt this bad. She knew he had health issues, but this? All of that? She hadn’t even a clue. And she hated herself for not noticing. Maybe she could have help him much earlier. 

“And so the suffering got on and on. And when my wife got back here, I nearly killed myself twice in this time. But I was always to damn of a coward to finally do it. So it just kept going on. The things I got to deal with got more an more and I felt like drowning more and more. And then... yesterday... Well, I just lost everything. My-“ He said but stopped himself and Ellie saw how tears fell down his cheeks. He began to sob. She felt the bad urge to just grab him and cuddle him.   
But she waited. He heaved out a heavy shuddered breath, forcefully trying to get back the control over his emotions. But he failed miserably.  
“T-Then my daughter left me as well. She- She said she wanted to live with her mum, cuz she could handle it anymore. She said she was afraid of losing me everyday. And she couldn’t handle the pain anymore. 

She wanted to help me but I just ignored her. I didn’t wanted her to see me like that. Like... Crying like a little baby. And when I got an attack in front of her and nearly died, she said she had enough. She couldn’t handle it anymore... I- I can absolutely understand her. I’m such a bad father.” He finished and then broke down completely in hard sobs. He cried like never before and this was when Ellie grabbed him by his arms and forced him into a laying position, with her by his side. She cuddled to him, while he cried his heart out. She stroke his arm, whispering sweet nothings into his ear and he buried his face deeper in the crook of her neck. After some time his sobs become more silent and he stopped crying. Slowly calming again he cuddled up closer to Ellie without saying a word and drifted into sleep out of exhaustion. She continued stroking his arm and placed a small kiss on his forehead when she realised he had felt asleep. Then she returned to cuddle him and also began to drift into sleep.


End file.
